Have it ever crossed your mind? What is your purpose of living? Why do we live? Why do we try so hard to continue living? It is not that I want to commit suicide or anything. It’s just that once every now and then I feel like living a meaningless life, like an empty can on the street waiting to be kicked and thrown out, eventually destroyed or buried somewhere unknown to anyone. To find a lead to my purpose, I sometimes ask people around me about their purpose of living. Often people just give vague answers but there are some answers I remembered. No judging, just sharing my inner thoughts.
From a religious friend: “we have been saved by God thus my life is to serve Him and to let more people believe in God and be saved…” or something like that. But because she is my friend I know she spent hours and hours to study and study for A+ and spent only around 2% of her time for God. No judging but I know this is not my answer.
Talked to academia and scientists resulted in similar answer: “to uncover the secret of life..” I like it but how to do so? Went online, found life experiment videos (feel free to find some here), watched and … remind me why do we need to know other’s secret in the first place?
Environmental people said: “our ancestors contaminated the world and hurt other innocent organism and so we have to take responsibility and mend the earth.” An honorable desire but I think it’s too naive. Just by living human hurt the environment, we are too large in population thus most efficient measure to save the earth is to ask everyone to plant at least a tree then reduce world’s population by, say 99% (around 70 million will be left). See how absurd the idea has developed in my mind? So definitely no.
There are still more but here are the most frequent answer: “to enjoy ourselves and live our life the fullest“. I argued “but then are you working so hard?”. “To eat today and tomorrow, to give my family enough support and to prepare for my pension, I should earn enough for all those.” Again I don’t think that is the same as enjoying life. No judging.
So after all of these discussions, I am still at step zero. I still can’t understand my life purpose. I woke up everyday, go to school and count every minutes in class wishing the clock could go faster while trying hard to retain important information from the lecture. Have lunch and go to class again or go home to do my homework; another boring day. In the less busy days, I try to meet up with some people who most replied by “I need to study” or “ok let’s go to this fancy restaurant..” (that serves cute looking meal so that we could update our Instagram). But then I checked my wallet and only one paper money left and it is still in the middle of the month. Bye fancy restaurant, welcome canteen meal. With a full stomach I went back and watch some movies before going back to work. Oh look at those girls, so skinny and the dress fit them perfectly! *take a glance of my tummy and poke my biceps* remembered what I ate and counted how much calories I intake- I should hit the gym. An hour passed but not even half of the calories gone, I left not feeling any better, just tired and sweaty; another bad day.
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Honestly, I feel like having more bad days than normal one in the last couple years. Could be that now that I am older, I start to understand things and think too deep but I feel that life is getting tougher, competition is getting fiercer, bad things happen more often and leisure is top knot luxury. Just by living my life I caused harm to the earth, contributed to animal and plant abused for each meal I ate. Worsened global warming every night I sleep with air-condition on and all electricity I used. And by what do I get? I got to do things I hated (read: school) , eat just to feel guilty, disappointed and unsatisfied by the result I got from hard work, fatigue, sadness and stress. Is this how life should be? Or it is just that I have a pathetic life? You might think that I am being ungrateful for the life I have been given, shelter, family, friends and education. No…really. I am absolutely grateful for everything that had been given to me up until now, but I just do not understand, why was I given these and what should I do from here on? I refused to just life, eat, sleep, work die and forgotten.